by Jason Wojciechowski 12:26 AM Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Because I've got nothing better to do, here is, in order from most to least like a ballplayer, the list of the A's current 25-man position players ranked by how much they look like a ballplayer.
Seth Smith: such a strapping lad!
Yoenis Cespedes: have you seen his ... posterior? That's a ballplayer's posterior.
Chris Young: prototypical center fielder
Scott Sizemore: he looks exactly like the guy who would play second and then move to third and then move back to second and may someday for some reason have to play left field. He's like the running back who fumbles too much and so they move him to safety. He's a ballplayer, not a [fill in position]
Josh Reddick: he's built like a ballplayer, but he acts crazy and has a mohawk and dresses as Spider-Man, so he's dinged a slot. I'd have put him above Sizemore otherwise.
Brandon Moss: also built like a ballplayer, but he's kind of goofy? You know? Just a little goofy is all.
Coco Crisp: sure, he looks more like a utility man than an outfielder, and sure the batting stance is horrendously ugly to look at, and sure the swing is sweepy and loopy and not traditionally ballplayer like, but still, this is as low as I can reasonably put Crisp because what else can you imagine him doing with his life?
George Kottaras: this is unfair because he does look like a ballplayer, but he's a lefty-hitting catcher, which is not a ballplayer thing. Catchers are right-handed. Sorry, George.
Chris Carter: he's a stereo salesman or a very large accountant. Or a corporate securities lawyer. He's built like Ray Lewis but has the mannerisms of Ray ... uh, I don't know. Name a Ray from a movie who works in an office and is quiet. That's how Carter acts on the field. Being "too" fired up is also not like a ballplayer, but Carter is so far at the other end that sometimes I wonder whether he's actually a mild-mannered fan who just wandered the wrong direction after getting his ticket scanned.
Of course, then he launches a 450-foot homer and I remember that it doesn't matter whether he looks like a ballplayer or R2D2.
Adam Rosales: how can anyone so awkward be so good at sports? Rosales should be a gym teacher.
Josh Donaldson: he's too short and his chin-hair is weird.