Roger Goodell a huge crybaby
Waa, waa, we can't take care of ourselves, waa, waa, even when these rookies have NO BARGAINING POWER AT ALL we give them too much money, waa, waa, we need rules to keep ourselves in check, waa, waa.
News to Roger: contracts for employment are not rewards. You do not earn the right to get paid a lot of money by playing well in the past, except insofar as your past play indicates that you might be a good player in the future. Roger, you have an undergraduate major in economics! I would expect you to understand this. No, Roger, I know you understand this, economics degree or otherwise. I know you're up there on the stage putting the word out that you're going to be asking for even more concessions from that giant fucking pushover Gene Upshaw at the next round of bargaining. You already own players basically in perpetuity, you don't have to give them guaranteed money in their contracts, you have a salary cap, there's no free agency to speak of, there's no trade activity, players can't celebrate the way they want to, they can't take their helmets off (and thus make themselves more recognizable and marketable personalities), retired players don't have decent health coverage, and you rule by fiat. What the hell more do you want, Roger? Back the hell up and let us enjoy our Jake Longs and Jamarcus Russells.
And by the way, if I ever hear you refer to anything causing things in the NFL to be "financially unworkable" again, I swear to god I'll say the meanest things about your mother. The league is raking in money hand over fist. Hand over fist! I don't even know what that means, but I know it means "metric asstons of money"! Jake Long wouldn't get $30 million guaranteed unless the Dolphins could afford it. You know that. So stop playing dumb and start focusing on the real problems. Like whether you're going to let Pacman Jones actually be called Adam on TV or not.
Beaneball by Jason Wojciechowski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.